But First, Me: Allie's Body Story

One half of the coaching duo behind Coastal Swim Coaching, Allie is all about sharing with other women the healing power of the sea. 

Having grown up on the coast, Allie had always loved the sea. But it wasn't until she moved to North Devon in the middle of the Covid pandemic and met Terri that her life really changed. Coming to terms with childhood trauma, Allie's Body Story is moving and powerful. And if it doesn't make you want to soak away your troubles in the sea, nothing will.

Content warning: Allie references sexual abuse in her story.

Where you are now in your life?

I'm in a really good place with myself at the moment, which is nice because three years ago, I was in quite a bad place. I had a childhood trauma, which didn't really come to light until a couple years ago with Covid. So, I've learned a lot about how to manage myself and how to manage my expectations of other people. I'm currently swim coaching, which is amazing and working with my best friend is something that I’m very lucky to do. So, that helps because on a daily basis I get my best friend reset.

The sea is so central to your life. Has it always been that way?

I grew up in Sussex and we holidayed at the Witterings every summer and June half term. We had a caravan there and we'd meet our family friends. Our routine was get up, go to the shop, buy a chocolate croissant, cycle to the beach and spend the whole day there. Then we’d come home, have a barbecue, go to bed,and then just repeat the whole thing the next day. Me and my best friend Helen would spend hours – and I mean, hours and hours and hours, in the sea. I don't know what we did for all that time.

I used to swim for my county as a kid as well. So, I've always loved the water but I never really swam in the sea properly until I was older.

How did you start sea swimming as an adult?

It was my dad. My dad's always been a swimmer – he's always loved swimming. He lived in Eastbourne at the time and he was part of a sea swimmers’ group. It must have been the Boxing Day swim about eight or nine years ago when I was like, why not? I got in and it was really cold. But it was so cool because I was swimming with my dad on Boxing Day. After that, any time I went to visit him, I’d bring my swimming stuff and we’d go for a swim together.

It wasn't until I moved to Devon in June 2020, so bang in the middle of a lockdown, that I wanted to swim every day because the beach is three minutes away. But I didn't have anyone to swim with. That’s when I met the Hele Bay Merbabes and then I met Terri. I was furloughed at the time, which meant that I was able to go and swim every day and coincide with them. And because I was in that place with working through my childhood trauma, it became my escape, my sanity. And the more people I met, the more time I spent with Terri, the more swimming we did it just became an addiction.

Is there a parallel between playing around in the sea with your childhood best friend and playing in the sea with your best friend now?

Yeah, definitely. It's a funny one, because I think it's very easy to take for granted how easy I find it to be in water. I'm so lucky and so grateful that I had that as a kid. Without that confidence you can lose that sense of play and freedom that comes from ducking, diving and jumping in. When you're not used to it, fear can really take over. And I think as an adult we have so much of that fear in our lives. Where we've got to be a certain way and look a certain way, particularly as women and with body image. So yes, playing in the water allows you to have this kind of fuck it attitude, because who cares? When you're surrounded by people that feel that same way as you do, it's so much easier to let go and play.

Talking about body image and expectations of women and girls, when did you become aware that your appearance was something that mattered?

Really young. It was the subtle things that are said to you as a child like, you shouldn't wear that, that doesn't suit you, that doesn't look good, you need to dress in what flatters you. I remember hitting an age and deciding that I really didn't want to do that. I was like, I'll wear the biggest, baggiest clothes in the brightest, most clashing of colours. That was my rebellion.

I was sexually abused when I was a kid, although it didn't register until about four years ago. I’m in a good place with it now, but looking back, it's amazing how much it affected me without me knowing. In a way, I thought that was all my body was for. I went through a phase where I couldn't look at myself naked; I didn't enjoy being naked. This feeling was also fuelled by media and social media where again, particularly women, are made to think of our bodies in a sexual way, to look good. And I really struggled with that. I struggled with people looking at it and more importantly, I couldn't feel comfortable with it myself.

It's such a shame, but there’s a huge number of people who have gone through something like that. The more open I am about it now and the more I talk about it, the more people I meet who have had experienced similar things. So, the damage it does to then have that exaggerated and influenced by what's around us and the expectations put on us, it's just really shit. I've talked a lot of people who don't want to show their body not only because they're not confident with what it looks like, but also because of what it represents. It's like my body isn't mine, it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to everybody else.

How did becoming part of your swimming community help you?

It's so good to talk about it and realise why I felt so shit for so long. So, meeting Terri has completely changed my life. We've got a core group of five who we met through swimming and then started going on little holidays together. It was because of them that I learned that my body was mine and I can do whatever I want with it.

We were in Wales dipping in the river and waterfalls, and then we were all getting changed. It was that awkward bit where everyone's trying to get changed modestly, but then I just went fuck it, we've all got bodies and mine’s pretty incredible for getting into cold water. I'm not going to hide it. And so, I ran through the woods naked! I got nicknamed the Wood Nymph for doing it. But it was so nice for me to feel that freedom and see my body as not a sexual thing. My body is my body, and it allows me to do what I want to do and that is really empowering.

How has coaching others helped you pass on that power?

I love seeing the transformation in people whether they want to be a serious swimmer or just want to be able to get in. It’s knowing how powerful and healing the sea or open water is.

We do sessions where we go to different locations. And there's one spot near us called White Pebble, which is known as the nudist beach because it's tucked away, and we sometimes go there because it's a beautiful beach. But what always happens is that we make a joke about it being a nudist beach, and then one of our swimmers will say, I'm going to do it. And then, when one of them does it, another does it and then another. They all come out going, my god, how amazing is it that we've just done that?

You’re around such an incredible group of people whose aim is to make each other happy. It's very powerful and I've never experienced that in any other environment.

It’s not all women, but it is predominantly. I would say it's probably 95% of the people we coach are women. I don't know what it is, but there’s something very powerful about it. I think there’s something that women can recognise in other women around people's transitions.

How significant was it for you to take part in the Deakin & Blue photoshoot?

It was amazing; I had the best day. I was so excited that it was all female. So many of the roles on that photoshoot would traditionally have been a male role, so it was bloody brilliant to see all these successful women being so good at what they do. Also, being in an all-female environment made us instantly feel comfortable.

Because I care so much about the business and your swimwear, it was so nice to be able to wear it and know that women would look at me and go, that could be me. So, instead of thinking, she looks amazing but I couldn’t wear that, they think, it’s being worn by other women that look like me. It’s functional swimwear as well. It's not swimwear that you're going to fall out of.

It was also special to be able to share it with Terri and Jude because it was so nice to see them doing it and knowing their stories and their history. We've all got our different issues, but we all had a lovely time doing the photoshoot.

We all have our stories, but so many follow a similar narrative around struggling with body images as we grow up. What would you like to say to your younger self to help her move forward?

That's a really good question, but it’s hard because I don't think I would have listened. I would say, enjoy what you have because it doesn't matter. Your body is going to do what it needs to do. I would tell myself to do stuff that makes me happy. I would encourage myself to use my body rather than focus on making it look good because I think using your body and going, wow, my body can do this, makes you appreciate your body in a whole different way.